Confessions of a Victim
by DedicatedWallflower
Summary: What you are about to read isn't some made up story. There is no happily ever after coming. If you're reading this, you should know that I'm not really sure why I'm writing this all down. Maybe it's just so I can get it out, maybe it's so I don't forget. Whatever the reason, you should know that this won't be a happy story. These are the Confessions of a Victim. AU Modern Day/Fixed
1. Chapter 1

**I only have one request before you read this, read the author's note below, it will explain everything.**

_Dearest reader,_

_What you are about to read isn't some made up story. There is no happily ever after coming, at least not for me._

_If you're reading this, you should know that I'm not really sure why exactly I'm writing this all down. Maybe it's just so I can get it out, maybe it's so I don't forget. Whatever the reason, you should know that this won't be a happy story._

_I always wanted to write a book, and I've always liked writing about myself, narcissistic right?_

_When I was younger, I always imagined where I would be, in high school. I would be happy, on my way towards becoming whatever the dream of the moment was. I never once thought I would be where I am now. You know, when you're little, you can't even imagine the horrors people will force you to face._

_Thinking back, I don't think I had much fear of anything. I was numb, both inside and out. If those girls could have felt even an ounce of what I was feeling, they would have never done any of it. They would have stopped._

_I can remember the tears, how they would sting at my eyes as I fought to hold them back. I don't think I even remembered what happiness was. If you saw me though, I could have fooled you. I was the same happy bubbly Delly on the outside, but the inside was a different story. It was like a war was waging on the inside, and the only defense I had against myself was the fake smile that forever graced my face._

_I'm not sure why I kept going, most people say it's because I was strong, but I wasn't. I was weak, barely able to keep myself propped up. There were times that I just wanted to give up and die, but I kept that stupid smile on. I tricked so many people that way._

_When you're told you're worthless for so long, you start to get it. You understand that everyone hates you. You understand that you should hate yourself. You understand why no one likes you, and you understand that you shouldn't like yourself._

_I was a skeleton of the bubbly girl I used to be. I was alive enough to loathe my being, but dead enough to ignore the pain._

_The cuts and bruises, I could barely feel them. For a flash of a second, when the pain was searing through the newest place, I felt something. And then, as quickly as it came, it was gone. It was in those moments of pain that I found what I thought was peace._

_Those moments of pain were always short-lived though. My weak will power couldn't keep away the monster that was growing inside of me. It was like the pain was soothing me and for some reason, I was enjoying it. Happy, silly, sweet Delly, enjoying pain? It was almost too sad to accept. I was an addict to the way the pain made me feel, it made me feel alive again._

_Like any other addict, the addiction got deeper, and I was able to let the pain last longer. I was drawn to my new power, but ashamed of it too, maybe that's why I hid underneath the baddy sweatshirts and bracelets. I just kept getting knocked back down, how else was I supposed to handle the constant embarrassment? I forced myself into a life of solitude. _

_The things my so called friends said, they didn't matter anymore. I hated myself, you would think that they would have stopped trying to hurt me then. What more could I do? Did they really want me to end it that bad? I had no friends, the ones that called me my friends were nowhere near what a true friend should have been. Hell, the definition of friend was very warped._

_My life was on a set track, wake up, hate myself, survive school, hate myself some more, and go back to bed. There was no love, there was no feeling, and there sure as hell was no happiness. I guess these are just the confessions of a victim._

_If you're reading this, you should know, I won't hold anything back, and by the time you're done, you won't want to either._

_Sincerely yours,_

_The Victim_

Sighing, I put the pen down, how much longer am I going to do this to myself? Oh right, until I can't feel the pain anymore.

My phone buzzes against the desk, Thom probably wants to pick me up for the game tonight. I let the call go to voicemail. This is my time, my private time.

When I decided to write everything down, I never imagined it would be this hard. Rubbing my eyes, I pick the pen back up, looking down at the notebook I've saved for so long.

_Part One _I pick the pen back up, chewing on the end as I think.

_Beginning Hell._

The pen drops back on my desk and I stand with authority, somehow empowered by the feeling I'm getting from the writing. Finally something else is taking over the addiction.

Grabbing a sharpie off my desk I shut the notebook, quickly scrawling _Confessions of a Victim _across the front in big letters. Then, I shove it under my bed, filled with the new purpose writing has given me.

**This is my final story. There will be nothing after the final chapter is posted. This story is different than anything you will read from me. This is MY personal story, and I really hope you enjoy it. At this point, I don't care what kind of a response this gets. If you're looking for a cheesy love story, you're in the wrong place. If you want one, I have plenty of suggestions though!**

**I want to thank you in advance for all the support you have always given me, it has really meant the world in so many different ways. You all are the best people I have ever encountered. My PM doors are always open, and I would love to chat with any and all of you.**

**This story does go hand in hand with Fixed, so you could read them at the same time, the last chapter of fixed that is written at the moment is where this story has begun!**

**Love to All,**

**DedicatedWallflower**

**PS, have I mentioned you all are wonderful? Also, update will not be until the last chapter of Fixed! I just wanted to get this out there!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Notes-PLEASE READ**

**The unformatted parts at the beginning and end are Delly's point of view and what is happening in her-my own life now. Yes, this is why I haven't updated. That is also why they are so long today, because you all deserve an explanation. **

**I would really like to say thank you so much for the support that everyone has given me. It really means to world to me. **

**If any of you need to talk about experiences I am 100% here for you.**

Um hey, if you haven't read the chapter notes go back and read them.

My eyes are still wet from the countless amounts of tears that have run down my face. Jo left hours ago, yet I'm still here, wiping my eyes, pretending I didn't see what Thom was doing. If I could go back and never look down to his arm, I would.

How could he not tell me? Did our relationship, our friendship, mean nothing to him? I know everything about him, I know about his night terrors, I know about his old girlfriends, you know, the ones that broke his heart so many times. I thought what we had was different. When did we start keeping secrets? Why couldn't he just tell me?

He thought he was protecting me. So why do I feel so sick now? His protection has just hurt me more.

I walk over to my white desk, running my hands over the thin wicker decoration that covers the front. It used to be my mothers, back in the day, or so she says. I'm not sure she ever actually used it though.

The spiral that holds my secrets stares up at me, taunting me with its perfectly scrawled writing across the front and white pages just waiting to be filled with my painful story.

Looking at my phone one last time I sigh, nothing. No text, no calls, nothing from him. So I sit, picking up my pen, I'd rather write than torture myself with thoughts anyways.

_Beginning Hell_

_Most people say that running from your demons isn't the answer, and looking back now, I can't say I disagree. Your demons are meant to be faced, not feared._

_I'll never forget how happy I was the summer of my freshman year. I had two friends, two real friends. I transferred schools, trying to get away from the drama my old friend circle had. It was the best and worst decision I ever made._

_I don't think there was a day that I wasn't in the presence of my "sisters". We did everything together, they knew everything about me, I knew everything about them. There wasn't a thing I couldn't tell them._

_Bonnie was always my favorite. She was always the fun one. I mean, one minute with her and you had forgotten all your problems, you were invincible, happy and laughing. She was the one friend that stuck with me when no one else would. I never got tired of being around her._

_Twill was the exact opposite. She more like me in most places; she was sweet, quiet when you didn't know her. She wasn't big on breaking the rules like Bonnie. I don't think I was ever really her best friend like she was mine. You see, Twill was a church girl, so was I, but Twill's church friends were different. They had her back whenever she needed it. She never came to us to talk like we came to her. It was like she kept us away from that part of her life. And when there were problems, Twill would disappear into her other life. She wasn't dependable, but I kept on thinking that she would magically change and she would be on my side no matter what. Just like I was for her. That was my first big mistake._

_I didn't see what was really going on until long past the summer. Past the trips to the pool, sleepovers on the trampoline. I just thought that everything was perfect. Life was beautiful, the world wasn't full of darkness and hate, people weren't fake. That was what I believed._

_I was so naive._

_Then Cora came. You see, Cora and I had a past. It wasn't a good past. She was the controlling playground bully from elementary school. The one that always killed me off in the games we played, and organized a silent treatment against me because I talked to one of the people she didn't like._

_Throughout middle school I had tried to avoid her, and I did a hell of a good job at it. As far as I was concerned, I was far off her radar. She was too busy making fake profiles of people on Facebook to bother with me. _

_So I got through summer with my girls by my side. We were all going to the new school, as if our district really needed a NEW state of the art school, it was promising amazing things. I told my friends that I was going, Bonnie and Twill followed. The rest stayed behind. _

_What I didn't know when I signed onto the new school bandwagon was who was actually waiting for me. When my mom first told me Cora was going it was like a knife to the gut. I felt sick, but I convinced her and myself that whatever Cora threw my way, I could handle. And for a while I did._

_I started high school that august. I can remember the new smell of the school, it burned in my memories. When I think of it now, I can't help but shiver and cringe. It wasn't a nice smell, it wasn't bad, but it was the smell of me losing my spirit, the smell of my soul dying slowly. It was the smell of despair._

_We couldn't drive yet, the drive was long and tedious on the highways, plus, Bonnie was barely fourteen. So our parents drove. Cora's mom and Twill's parents took turns in the morning, and my own mother and Bonnie's mom took us home in the afternoon. For a while it was nice._

_The first day of school was chaos, I can barely remember it. But I can remember how happy I was to have a familiar face in five of my seven classes—Cora. I forgot how mean she once was, and I fell straight into her trap._

_I guess she hated me from day one. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't know why she chose me. Maybe I was too happy, too nice, too real. _

_The first month was great; Cora and I were close, probably too close. I wasn't letting my past experiences shape the way I saw her. I told my mom that she had changed. I should have noticed how she was slowly starting to control the group. She would change plans, invite herself places. It was scary to be completely honest. _

_I didn't let it bother me though. I kept an open mind. I was one of those girls that always saw the good in people, ya know. The glass was always half full, never half empty. _

_I tried so hard to fit in with her. I had no say in anything we did though. If we went out for breakfast, she always chose where we ate. Bonnie was the only one to protest it, but she was always shut down quickly and effectively. Keep in mind that we couldn't drive, and it was Cora's mother driving us._

_It was Cora's mother listening to us voice where we wanted to go. It was her mother listening to Cora say no. It was Mrs. Shankar listening to her daughter tell us where we were going to eat._

_If Cora didn't get her way she would ignore us. So eating a bagel when we wanted Starbucks was a sacrifice we were willing to make. As long as we stayed on Cora's good side, it was alright._

_I was the first to notice that things were getting weird. It was two months into school, Homecoming was right around the corner and we—of course—thought we needed dates._

_Never fear, Cora's mother was on it. Within days we were set up with some guys from another school in the district. Guys we didn't know. Twill's parents were against it, and despite their pleas they wouldn't let her go to the football game where we could meet them._

_Bonnie and I still went, even if it was a little weird. Cora picked us up of course, and we went to a football game to meet people we didn't know, in a foreign school, with no real idea of what to expect._

_It was weird. _

_There's no other way to put it. Cora seemed to know everyone. The minute we stepped into the stadium, she disappeared._

_Bonnie and I had no idea what to do, so we did what we do best. We talked to almost everyone there. Made friends. Cora was less than pleased with that. Bonnie was always the social one, so it was no problem for her._

_Cora was so mad at me after that night. Was she mad at Bonnie? No. Just me. I was the punching bag. _

_I cried the entire night. I cried in the backseat of the car as her mother drove us home, I cried as I got ready for bed, and I cried in bed. I cried myself to sleep. It was the beginning of something I had been running from for so long._

_It was only going to get worse. I can remember looking over at the tiles in my shower that night. The tears and steam were stinging my eyes, and I stared at the pure white. I knew then, that it wasn't going to get better. That was the first night that I lost myself. It was the first night I started to fake everything._

_The year was far from over, and I was already checking myself out._

_That night was the beginning of something awful. That night was the beginning of hell._

_Hell only got worse after that._

I drop the pen, looking down at the tiny drops of water that cover the surface of the old white desk. Funny, I don't remember starting to cry. The reflection of the girl in the mirror above my desk stares back at me. I don't look like myself. I look like the robot that once functioned inside my dead body. I look like a ghost of myself.

I look down at the five pages I've just written. For a second I contemplate ripping them out and tearing them up. But it won't help. I have to face everything.

My phone buzzes on my bed and I pounce on it. The name on the screen sends a rush of excitement through me. For a second I hope he's responding to my earlier text asking him to talk with an "of course", or an "I love you". My hopes are crushed as I read the text.

**What is there to talk about.**

More tears form in my eyes. I never thought he would be this stubborn. I don't know why he had to do this to himself. I can remember when my own wrists were mutilated by cuts. Why him?

I sigh, pressing the call button across the top of our new conversation. I need answers, now.

He answers on the third ring, and by the sound of his voice, he's still pissed I found his cuts.

"Del, I don't need help." His voice is cold over the speaker of my phone and it only makes me cry harder.

"Yes you do, Thom. You need help. I know more than you do at this point, or have you forgotten everything I went through." It's a low blow, I know, and it doesn't work like it usually does. Usually when I bring up something like that he drops everything, wants to comfort me and tell me everything is ok. Tonight it just makes him angrier.

"No you don't, this goes farther than you think Delly." He whispers, I can hear him shift in his bed.

"I don't understand why you feel the need to do everything on your own Thom." My response is laced with silent pleading. I just want to help him.

"I know I can't do it on my own Delly." He's angry again, and more tears pour down my face.

"Then who's helping you Thom, who the hell is helping you?" the tone of my own voice sounds foreign. I'm never angry at anyone, let alone Thom.

"Nobody." Is his only response after a few seconds of silence. What's happening to us? I can feel my insides being ripped out.

"Fine, act cool and be alone. But when you decide you need help, I'm here." I whisper through gritted teeth, trying not to wake up my family sleeping in the room next to me. If my little brother heard any of this, he would be crushed.

"I'm not trying to be cool Delly, don't pretend you know what this is like." The second the words leave his mouth, he knows he's screwed up, I can tell even over the phone.

"Fine then, I'll see you tomorrow." I slam my phone down on the bed next to me, not even bothering to hang up, he'll hang up anyways.

I decide then what I have to do. For a second I feel alone, so alone that before I know what I'm doing my fist has slammed into my arm with alarming force. When I feel the familiar pain I fall into its comfort. Over and over until my forearm is red and bumped, its only when I look down at my arm that I realize what I've done and I cry.

I cry myself to sleep knowing that I can't go back. Why does everything have to crash down around me?

**As many of you remember, this is my story. So yes, all of this has happened. I'm not proud, but you all need an explanation as to why I haven't updated, and here it is. This happened last week. Everything is ok now (For those of you wondering, in real life Thom is not my boyfriend and I have no real romantic feelings for him, but Fixed needed them to be dating, so they are). **

**Hope you all are doing well,**

**Love to All,**

**Dedicated**


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is simply to tell you all what has happened in the past few weeks with Thom and me. Some of you have asked how it is going and this is my response. Here you go. **

**Delly POV**

I dread Monday and what comes with it, we only have one day of school before a professional development week begins for the teachers. Monday is going to be all it takes though, the world is going to end on me.

I've tried so hard to help Thom, and he's pushed me away numerous times. He doesn't want me to worry about him; he says it's his job to worry about me. He's just being his usual protective self. Long story short, I'm losing the boy I fell in love with two years ago.

He took me home after the party, I tried so hard to pretend things were normal, but he could tell that I was sad and worried. He made me promise him I wouldn't worry about him any longer. I've broken the promise too many times now.

Sighing I run my hands through my wavy blonde hair, ruffling it gently until it falls perfectly into place around my face.

"Do you realize how just perfect you are?" the whisper coming from my doorway startles me, and I jump dropping the papers in my hand with a frantic yelp.

"Thom Edwards you better have a good reason for scaring me like that." I hiss disapprovingly, clutching at my wildly beating heart. The combination of his startling entrance and his previous words has done a number on my heart, making it beat more madly than before.

"What, can't I tell my girlfriend how amazing she is?" an adorable half smirk lights up his tanned face "and I wanted to apologize for being an asshole, I know I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, and I'm sorry. You want to help, I understand." His smile drops and a small apologetic frown replaces it. I stare into his cool grey eyes, letting my own anger drop from my mind like a hot sack of potatoes.

"I'm sorry too." I whisper, looking down at my shaggy carpet as I run my toes back and forth through the stringy ends.

He's next to me in seconds, gently tugging my chin up to face him until I am forced to stare into his eyes.

"Hey, none of this is your fault. You have nothing to apologize for." His voice is harder now as he stares me in the eyes, willing me to forget my guilt. It still sits in the bottom of my stomach, making it near impossible to forget it completely.

"We're going to be late to school." I giggle when he captures my lips with his own, indulging himself in a sweet gentle kiss before moving his lips up to my fore head to press another soft kiss against the smooth skin of my head along my hairline.

"I'll drive fast." He jokes, grabbing my bag in his hand and slinging it carelessly over his shoulder.

I give him a playful shove "You are not driving fast Thom! You have precious cargo in your car." laughing I follow him down my stairs and out the front door.

"I promise I won't drive that fast." He responds, allowing a smirk to play on his lips. We both know that promise is a lie; Thom is a careless driver, even with me in the car. Even though he swears Nick is worse, I will never believe him.

"Oh please." I laugh freely, swinging my hair over my shoulder with an exasperated sigh as he opens the passenger door for me. He's always been such a gentleman; I suppose I'll miss it soon.

My thoughts of losing him for good bring tears to my eyes. In a few short hours everything I have worked so hard for is going to come crumbling down.

"Dell, you ok?" Thom asks as he sits down in the driver seat, turning to look at me as he screeches out of my driveway, turning quickly down the road towards the school.

"Yeah, I'm great." I fake a smile; he sees past it but brushes it off. I know he wants to ask me, but he holds it back, probably because he knows he's the reason everything has been off lately.

Our ride is silent aside from the constant droning of commercials on the radio station that neither of us bother to change. Occasionally I can feel his stare, or a worried glance that lands on my small frame in the front seat of the car but I don't bother to look back. He hates it when I cry.

"Promise me you're ok." He finally whispers as we pull into the lot of the school. His voice is worried, and cracks slightly under the pressure that fighting with me has put him in.

"I promise, just let it go." I look him dead in the eyes, praying that he doesn't see the tears threatening to spill over. If he does see them, he ignores them.

I twist the promise ring on my finger, grabbing his hand as he leads me into the school.

When we reach the lockers I reach up and peck him on the lips quickly.

"I have to go do something for Johanna; I'll be back for jewelry okay?" I smile sweetly, staring up at him as the rest of our group forms around us, talking amongst themselves in chipper voices.

He smiles and gives me such a trusting and loving look it almost breaks my heart. I want to hug him, hold him and tell him that everything I'm about to do is for his own good. It's like part of my mind can't wrap itself around the fact that by tomorrow things will be completely different. He will never want to talk to me again.

Johanna catches my eye as I walk away from the group. She understands where I'm going, and what I'm going to do. She gives me a sad nod and a half smile before going back to talking with Katniss.

The walk to the art hallway seems to take forever, tears fall freely as I walk the familiar trek. I've walked it with Thom so many times hand in hand now, so many conversations, when he first found out about my uncle and what he did to me, we were in this hallway. I'll never forget the look on his face when I confirmed his suspicions.

I didn't mean to tell him about the abuse I suffered as a child. Nick always used me as a girl talk translator, and one day he asked me to translate something from his girlfriend. They were breaking up because of a rape that she was the unfortunate victim of. Thom seemed to notice the certainty I had in my voice as I told Nick that things were going to be hard, and that his girlfriend may never be the same again.

Thom asked me about it as soon as we were out of the classroom. I tried to avoid telling him, I didn't want him to treat me any differently, but he found out anyways. Apparently I'm a bad liar.

I wipe my tears as I reach the art offices, shaking of my memories as I lift my hand to knock on the heavy wooden door. Mr. Baker sees me through the window before I even get the chance to knock on the door.

As he opens the door, the tears fall faster, but I raise my chin, looking up at him with a fierce determination. I won't let Thom die.

"Mr. Baker, we need to talk." I whisper quietly "it's about Thom. I'm worried about him." I wipe furiously at the tears that trek in paths down my cheeks.

"Delly, why, what happened?" Mr. Baker's eyes are full of concern. He loves Thom and I like we're his own, he doesn't have kids, so we're the closest things to family for Baker.

"Thom, he's hurting himself and I'm afraid, so afraid. I just don't want to lose him." I finally break, after days of holding in every emotion I've felt, I let it all go. My makeup is ruined as I sob into my hands.

I'm angry, so angry at everything. I'm mad at Thom for hurting himself, I'm mad at the people who've made him feel this way, but more importantly I'm angry at myself for not noticing how much pain he is in. How could I not know?

I thought there were no secrets between us. I thought he could tell me anything. He was my rock through everything. The second I met him, I knew he was special, and after all the laughter and moments in time we shared together, I knew I was right.

My thoughts are scattered across my brain and I can barely process the words Mr. Baker is saying slowly in front of me, all I want to do is curl up in a ball. The gut wrenching feeling is gone, and in its place is pure pain. Now I realize everything I put Bonnie and my family through, everything my old best friend John had to go through for me.

"Delly, how about you go sit in the jewelry room, I don't have a class now and you can wait for next hour. I can tell your first hour teacher you're helping me. You know I have to tell the counselors about this?" Mr. Baker puts a hand on my shoulder and I nod slowly, trying to comfort me.

I walk to the jewelry room in a trance; putting one foot in front of another like I've never walked before. I stumble over my own feet once, laughing at my own idiocy in a dark chuckle.

I sit down at a table, laying my head on the thick wooden surface. My best friend is never going to speak to me again. He's going to hate me. I'll never see him the same again.

Shaking my head I sit up, looking around at the empty shop room.

"Delly, you're doing the right thing. Someday he'll be thankful for it." I look ahead confidently, trying to convince myself of this new revelation.

I lay my head back down. I didn't sleep last night; I was too worried about today. I close my eyes, slipping slowly into on oddly comforting darkness.

I sleep through the bell, waking to the hushed whispers of our jewelry table. Thom is standing over me, concern dancing in his eyes as he rubs my back gently.

"Babe, are you ok?" He asks quietly, giving me a small frown.

"Yeah, I just didn't sleep well I guess." I yawn, leaning into his arms behind me. He embraces me from behind, hugging me tightly to his chest as he presses a gentle kiss on my temple.

"Have you been crying?" Fo asks loudly, and I give her a look that could wipe out an army.

"Have you?" Thom grabs my chin, turning me around so he can see my red eyes.

"Yeah, I um miss Tanya." I respond. Everyone drops the topic at the mention of my dead cousin. She died of an eating disorder in July of '10.

Thom looks at me one more time, and then he opens his mouth, mimicking Bane from Batman. It always gets me to laugh, and I do.

I laugh harder than ever before, cherishing every last moment I have with him. What have I done?

. . .

I stare ahead as my dad drives us to the lake. Regionals have come much too fast this year, and Oklahoma City has never been so daunting. Our team has barely gotten out on the water. We definitely aren't prepared.

"Hey, we're going to do great." Johanna laughs from the backseat with her feet propped up on the back of my seat.

"Johanna, the novices have barely gotten on the water and this wind is like a hurricane, we're going to embarrass ourselves.

Rowing has been an escape for me, but today is going to be awful. Today is the day Thom is going to know I betrayed him, and I dread it more than anything.

I step out of the car as my dad pulls up next to our trailer of boats, smiling at me doubles partner Jayden.

"Hey girl!" I smile, walking over to our boat. We're the first race of the day, so we're going to head down to the dock now to get some practice in beforehand.

"Jo, can you grab my blue oars?" I ask over my shoulder to Jo. When she doesn't respond I look back over my shoulder at her, stopping dead in my tracks when I see what has stunned her.

She's holding my phone, staring at it with a blank and horrified expression. Thom.

"Give it to me." My voice breaks as I hold out my hand.

She places my phone in my outstretched hand with the same dead expression. The new message stares up at me with evil intentions.

**What the fuck have you done?**

It's over.

**So, for those of you who have asked what happened between Thom and I, here it is. I will post the next part of this chapter soon, I promise it does have a happy ending, but for now, it doesn't.**

**Oh, and if any of you happened to be in Oklahoma for Rowing Regionals last weekend, I may have met you or seen you! I'd really like to know if you were! It would be so cool!**

**Love to All,**

**DedicatedWallflower**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is the last completely Delly chapter I will post on Fixed, I am only posting it there so that my non COAV readers can see the ending. This chapter will also be posted on COAV.**

**This is what continued to happen with Thom, yes everything is true yada yada, except for the fact that Thom and I are NOT dating, he's just my best friend in real life.**

**FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW, **_**DELLY IS BASED OFF ME.**_

I stare at the text for what seems like hours, reading it over and over. He hates me, he fucking hates me. He's never cussed at me like that, ever. Tears well up in my eyes, and for a brief moment in time I can feel everything Bonnie felt when she threatened to tell my parents my suicide plan.

"_I will never speak to you again Bonnie." I hiss into the phone, glaring at the grey walls of my bedroom._

_I can hear her sharp intake of breath on the other side of the phone, she's been crying for the past forty five minutes, but I can't bring myself to find any source of sympathy for her._

_I'm so mad I can't even see straight, I'm mad that John told her, and I'm mad that she would even have the audacity to threaten me. _

"_You tell your mom or I'll tell her for you." Bonnie sighs over the phone, breaking into another uncontrollable fit of sobs. I roll my eyes, spinning the full bottle of pills in my hand._

"_You wouldn't." I growl, suddenly feeling threatened. I know Bonnie isn't bluffing at this point, the second I hang up this phone, she's going to call my mom and then the whole police force will end up breaking down my locked door._

_My phone beeps, signaling I have a text. Slowly I lower my phone so I can see the screen. John won't stop texting me and I groan again in frustration._

"_I will call her Delly, I'll call her and tell her everything." Her voice is stronger this time, and I know my fight is futile, but I hold out._

"_What the hell kind of best friend are you, huh? I can't trust you. You tell my mom, and I promise I will never be your friend again. Consider me lost the second you call my mother." I hold strong on my fight, putting the pills down on the nightstand._

"_Fine then, someday you're going to thank me." The line goes dead and I panic. I start to open the bottle again, but I shut it as soon as I open it. What am I even thinking? What about all the people at church, what about my little brother, what about my friends._

_I collapse to the ground then, crying out against the pain the world has wrought on me. _

Tears form in my eyes as I remember that awful day over in my mind. I wasn't thinking right, but I hated everyone who threatened to tear down the walls I had built to protect my habits.

"Del, it's going to be ok." Johanna pats my back, trying to take my phone from me, but I hold on tight.

"I know, just let me send this text, ok?" I unlock my iPhone, smiling at the picture of Thom and me at one of the bonfires.

My fingers search frantically for the right words to say, but nothing seems to be ok.

_**I am so sorry. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I did this for your own good. I can't let you leave me like Tanya, it can't happen. I know sorry doesn't help, but I am so sorry.**_

I send the text and look over to my boat where Jayden stands with an oblivious smile on her face. She's a sweetheart, but she hasn't seen the horrors of the world.

"Jo, I'm alright." I smile tightly, taking the promise ring off my finger and putting it in my wallet. I never take it off unless I'm rowing.

"Alright ladies, let's get a move on!" Our coach calls excitedly, looking at Jay and me over his clipboard.

I can't seem to focus and I about drop the boat on the way to the dock. Everyone can tell something is wrong. I'm not my usual chipper self, something is definitely wrong with me.

"Way enough." I call out as I stop to check us in with the dock official, tears still streaming down my face.

"You guys can go all the way to the end of the dock and launch from there." She tells me coldly, looking for the next boat to check in.

"Walk it forward." I call to Jayden, beginning to walk forward until we are clear of the ramp rails "swing it to the left." My voice cracks halfway through the sentence. This row is going to be a disaster. "Toes to the edge." I command through a mouthful of tears. "Up and overhead in two, one, two." We lift the boat up over our heads "Down to water in two, one, two." The boat is slowly lowered to the water and I lean over, putting my oars neatly into the riggers.

"One foot in." I call to Jayden as soon as we have the oars in place. I ignore the woman yelling at us to get off the dock quickly. "Down on three, one, two, three." We sit and the boat shakes in the wind. We already feel unsteady. Great.

I take the first couple of strokes from the bow, turning to steer. It becomes hard under the pressure of the wind stinging my already tear-filled eyes.

"Delly, are you sure you want to do this?" Jayden asks quietly from the front of the boat.

"Yeah, of course I do." I fake a happy tone, grunting when the wind begins to push us and the boats in front of us around. Our lake has been windy, but never this windy.

One second I can see the blurry outlines of lane one as I overcorrect, and the next second, I find the bow running straight into rocks.

"Fuck." Is the only thing that comes to mind, but the word hurts even more. Thom was so excited when I said it for the first time, he didn't like that fact that I was so good, and begged me to say it day in and day out, but I refused. I'm not exactly sure what he was so excited about in the first place.

The tears fall even harder and I groan in frustration as the officials zoom by our crashed boat to rescue three other boats ahead of us on the race course.

Jayden is panicking in front of me, and I know she's on the verge of tears too. Weve only tipped once before this, and at this point, tipping is inevitable.

"Jay, we have to get in before the boat gets a hole from the rock." I suck in a deep breath, preparing myself to be the strong one.

I let go of the rock I've been using to keep us upright and slowly fall into the water. Its unbearable cold and I shiver as I fall in. Jayden starts to shake and I pray she doesn't have another panic attack in the water like the first time we tipped. Slowly I push us out of the rocks, standing in the waist deep water as wind rips around us.

Is this what I get for telling, is this karma paying me back for being such a bitch? I want to scream or punch something like I once did before my boxing trainer ran away.

"Jayden, you get back in the boat, I'll hold us out of the rocks." She gets back in slowly, and I hold the skinny boat steady for her.

Part of me is using the cold water as a punishment for myself, the other part just knows that I really am a bitch, and I would hate myself for telling too. He trusted me and I went off and told on him.

God what have I done?

. . .

Three hours later I sit in the hotel room with Jo, scarfing down on a sandwich like I've never seen food before. Shortly after our doubles race was cancelled and four boats had to be pulled out of the rocks, they delayed all races until a later time, meaning that our team doesn't have to be back until five or so, leaving me with nothing to do but talk to Thom.

He answers on the fourth ring when I call, and his hello sounds strained and angry. If I had any more tears to cry, I would let them out now, but I've run out.

"Thom?" I ask breathlessly.

"What the fuck do you want?" he spits into the phone, and I cringe back slightly. Jo sits up a bit straighter, anger flaring up in her dark eyes. As if any second she's going to pounce on me and tell Thom off.

"I want to let you know that I'm sorry. I know you'll never trust me again and I just I'm so sorry. I promise you it will get better." I respond, trying to ignore his hatred.

"Yeah, you shouldn't have done that Delly. You're right, I can't trust you. I trusted you, and you went off and told my favorite teacher. My parents will never look at me the same again." His voice just sounds heartbroken now, and my heart drops to the floor with the weight of the guilt.

"You're going to thank me one day." I respond quietly, playing with a string on the pristine white hotel pillow.

"I don't think that day will ever come. You've done enough damage Del, I think you should go now." He sighs into the phone.

"Ok, I don't regret what I did." I say in a hushed yet confident whisper.

"You should. Bye Delly." The line goes dead.

You knew this would happen when you told, it's not forever. Plus, would you rather have him alive or dead? My thoughts swirl endlessly in my mind. Jo just stares at me, but she knows nothing will ever be the same again.

. . .

Four days of hell have past, Oklahoma City Regionals have come and gone, and with them, Thom has gone too.

We had a hang out night again, Katniss brought Nick, but I saw who she was texting, and it sure as hell wasn't Nick. Nick refuses to speak to me, claiming I've ruined his "babe" aka Thom.

John says I did the right thing, in a moment of panic I texted him for the first time in two years. He's the only person that knows me more than Thom does, but we drifted away when I didn't need his constant support.

In fact, most of the girls are on my side, our inner circle found out about Thom because Nick can't keep his big mouth shut. I almost feel bad for Thom, but I choke it down.

Johanna and Katniss have been spending more time with me, trying to keep my mind off things, but it doesn't work. How could it when you have a crazed guy sending death wishes to you every second. I'm almost glad that it's still Sunday and the weekend hasn't ended, but I dread seeing Thom at school, having him in my class, seeing him at lunch.

Part of me wonders if he will revert back to Misha, the awful bitch that broke his heart and continued to play with him after she did so. I hate that part of me for thinking of her.

I sit back from the computer and typing my columnist paper as my doorbell rings.

I can hear my mother's soft tread on the hardwood under my room as she approaches the door. I hear her gasp, welcoming the person inside with a really fake voice. Curiosity gets the best of me and I stumble out of my room, creeping to the banister to peak over and see the unwelcome guest.

My heart falls to the floor and my eyes fill with tears when I see who stands at the bottom of the stairs with a bouquet of flowers.

"I'm so sorry." His voice sounds thick, like he's about to cry. "I understand now." He finishes, looking at the ground.

Thom. Is all my mind can process.

**There you have it… You want to know the rest? Go read COAV!**

**Love to All**

**Dedicated**


	5. Chapter 5

Hello Everyone,

Dedicated speaking, I have not updated in ages, and yes, before you lay into me, I have real reasons.

I have been in the hospital stuck in a morphine induced high that included talking dragons named Buttons and Danger, and you guessed it, Nick Jonas making a surprise appearance as my husband along with Jake from state farm. So unless you wanted chapters full of crazy talk, you should be happy I haven't updated.

Secondly, my little brother is very ill. I am flying out to Philly for many more hospital appointments and tests with my family. I don't know how many of you are religious, but if you are, I would appreciate some prayers or thoughts. My little brother is my life, and seeing him sick has been one of the hardest things in the world.

I am working on writing new chapters, but as of now, until JULY all of my stories are on hold until I can get life organized. I'm sure you all will be _**VERY**_ understanding.

Love to All,

DedicatedWallflower


	6. thank you

Hello everyone, this is dedicated once again. Actually this is really from my little brother who wants to thank each of you for your support. He was so excited when he saw that people from all across the USA and even the world were praying for him.

As his big sister this really means so much to me. You all have made him happy, and thats more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Love to all,

Dedicated


	7. Chapter 7

**I only ask that you read the AN at the bottom. That is all.**

I sit staring at the pewter grey walls of my room, resting my head in my cupped hands, letting the tears flow down my cheeks freely.

"Oh Delly." I can hear the strangled whisper from my doorway, and I turn to face the tiny frame of a person standing in the light that plunges into the darkness of my room.

"What are you doing here Jo?" I whisper, shielding my eyes from the harsh light.

"I brought someone to help you." She whispers sheepishly, dragging Thom by the arm and practically forcing him into my room.

Despite the fact that we made up, our relationship and friendship has been slightly strained. Neither of us knows what to say, or what to do. Often our time alone is riddled by an uncomfortable silence that drapes over us like an unwelcome blanket on a stifling day.

The fact that this is coming at the worst time possible also doesn't help. For the past week the memories have been coming back again, they're even worse than before. I can hear myself, a much younger version, crying out for my mother, begging the culprit to stop, but they never do. Most memories come in my dreams, and when I wake up, I can feel everything as though it just happened in reality. I lay frozen for hours until my mother comes to wake me up for school, and then I get out of bed, throw on my preplanned outfit and let the day pass by me.

I no longer show emotion, I just sit and watch life go by me. My friends don't seem to notice, and if they do they don't really care, Jo and Thom are the only ones who constantly check on me, making sure I'm still alive in the mornings.

I stare down at the large purple bruises that cover my milky white skin, gently running my fingers over the bruises only to wince away when I find a particularly tender spot.

Thom gasps, coming to my side immediately, grabbing my arms up into his large hands to place light kisses across the tinted skin.

"Del, I thought you were done with this." He sighs, pulling me completely into his arms, rocking me back and forth as a particularly large sob echoes through the room.

I can feel small drops of water dropping onto the top of my head and I look up to Thom to find tears cascading down his perfectly tanned face.

Without thinking I reach up to wipe them away, pulling myself together to help him.

"No, please don't cry." I plead, still furiously wiping away his tears and trying to stop my own "please, can I do anything to make it better?" I ask, my own tears beginning to fade behind the fear that I've hurt him.

"You are so amazing." Thom whispers huskily into my ear, pulling me tighter into his chest. I breathe in his familiar woodsy scent, basking in it until I feel completely and utterly safe.

"No I'm not." I whisper back almost immediately, letting my eyes drop straight to the floor and my contrasting brown carpeting.

"Yes, yes you are." He responds "even though you're the sad one, you're worried about hurting me, and me being sad. It takes an amazing and wonderful person to do that Del, and I love you so much." His hands find my hair, stroking it gently until my own sobs fade into the music that plays softly throughout the room.

"Thom, I'm so scared." I whisper to him, relishing in the fact that he holds me tighter to his chest.

"I know baby, I wish I could take it all away for you, I really do." He kisses my forehead gently, wiping away a few of the tears that remain on my face.

"Don't say that." I whisper, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck, breathing in his familiar scent.

"I just never want you to hurt, ever." He responds, taking my arms into his hands to examine the intricate patterns my fists have made along my arms.

I'm about to pull them away, ashamed of myself when he stops me, leaning down to press a small kiss on one of the bruises.

"Babe, does your mother know about this?" he asks slowly, wincing when I shoot him a small glare.

"Of course she does Thom." I pout, pulling my arms away from him with finality.

My mother has known everything from my suicide attempt, she's known every cut, every bump, every bruise, and she knows about the abuse I suffered as a child. I know I've hurt her more than anyone ever could, and I can't help but feel guilty knowing that my uncontrollable pain has caused her pain.

"Thom, I don't know who it is anymore." I finally snap, looking into his ash grey eyes as tears well up in my own.

"What?" he asks incredulously, running his hands through his dark hair.

"It wasn't my uncle, I was wrong. Thom I don't even know the person who did this to me anymore." I cry out, flinging myself into his arms once more.

"Oh my god, I'll murder whoever it was Del, I'm so sorry. Del, I'm so sorry." He whispers, repeating apologies over and over in my ear.

Everything really hits me then, I'm in the dark again, everything I thought I knew was wrong, and I'm back at square one.

**So yes, I hope this answers questions for all of you. This is where I have been, this is why I haven't been updating, and yes, maybe I'm not as strong as some of you think I am. I break too, and as much as I hate to admit it, I revert back to darkness, but I find my way back, I always do. **

**That said, I ALWAYS want to be here for all of you. You guys are some of the most amazing and strong people, I know there are people out there like me, reading this right now, and I want you to know that you are never alone. There is ALWAYS hope, and there is always someone out there for you. I will be here for you forever. You all are so brave and so strong, and I want each and every one of you to know that. No matter what you are going through, you are so strong and I know you can overcome it. I am so proud of each and every one of you and I don't even know you. Each of you is extraordinary. Never forget how special you are.**

**Love to All,**

**Dedicated**


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